Perspective from Presence

Be present.

If there is one incredible thing to come out of 2020 it’s going to be the perspective. The way priorities are set. The notion of what really matters. The beauty in the present moment {yes, even the ugly ones}.

Oh hey! Is that my voice I hear, coming out of the silence of the quarantine? Break down then break free.

It’s amusing {while equally sad} thinking of how we were filling our calendars and focusing on the next “thing” in early March. How we were ending a meeting with at least two more scheduled. The fact that before I could even go on one trip, I was already looking into the next. There was no time to pause because the hustle had taken over the heart.

Fast forward to today. Months of heartbreaking loss of family and friends. Being quarantined and having no where to run to. Spending holidays and birthdays without the hoopla we came to establish. All the ways of working were flipped upside down. Suddenly there was so little left in the life that I came to know, that it became glaring what I wanted.

My family. Nature. My closest friends. Nowhere to go. Time to write. Silence. Peace {mine, body, spirit}.

I found a peace in the isolation that I had so very much missed. And to this moment I can say, I am still finding myself wanting more time alone and less time putting myself out there for the sake of so many people. I had come to a point of sacrificing my vision and my goals for those of others. Do I avoid people? Heck no! As an energy person, I need people {remember, that’s how I got myself into this mess! HA!}. Spoiler alert: now I am more aware of the situations I am in. I live to laugh and find the joy. If a situation isn’t going to or does not bring me joy, then I am so comfortable walking away. I no longer feel like I need to justify why I have to be there.

I am a person that bends to meet the needs of everyone. I am a people pleaser to a fault. A chameleon. If I am not helping people I don’t feel valuable, but if I don’t feel appreciated or recognized I feel forgotten.

Enter: creating my own perfect storm.

Prepare for a dive into how Katie Lost Herself…because yes, even the happiest and most optimistic people fight some ugly, ugly storms.

This vicious cycle of my reality started to catch up with me in 2019. I had found myself surrounded by people that came to expect me to say “yes” and, quite honestly, many taking advantage of it. Even worse; I knew it and I know they knew it. But I could not and didn’t know how to stop. So I kept going.

I was bending for so many; meanwhile very few of the worst culprits even acknowledged me until I was needed or until I was not longer giving them as much as I had. How did they get my attention? Telling me they were disappointment in me or saying I had lost my fire and drive. Those are the ultimate daggers into my spirit.

I knew I had to speak up. But I was scared. I was afraid of letting them down or making things uncomfortable. All of my happiness and wellbeing was no longer mine; I had sacrificed my joy for people that could give two shits and were getting amusement in jerking me around.

I had become weak and vulnerable.

Leading with others in mind was something I could just shut down. How do you just stop functioning as a friend/colleague/acquaintance that is known for a giving heart? I couldn’t even begin to imagine not being there for others in the same way I have done for years. There was always that side that was hopeful that things would get better. That these people, from the past and present, would acknowledge my value. That they’d see how much I had to offer in so many ways. That they’d quit taking blatant advantage of me and my drive.

I am a person driven by the need to win, succeed, and accomplish things that not everyone likes to tackle. I am not dumb. I am passionate. I’m insanely intuitive. I am a big picture person. Action oriented. Yet here I continued to surrounded myself by people that took my visions and enthusiasm as complete cluelessness {demonstrated through their words to me and about me}. The reality…they were all so far into their own needs, mine weren’t even a blip on their radar. I don’t fault anyone. We all are ultimately here to take care of our own mission. But in helping everyone make things work for them and their personal/professional goals, I wasn’t addressing mine. I was waking up and going through motions that didn’t even make sense or seem remotely productive.

I was not taking care of what I wanted. What I needed. What really mattered to me. I had lost Katie.

When you offer up yourself so much to other people and they take take take, some may feel rewarded and find it a compliment to their skill. Some find that they are grateful to be seen as such a valuable resource. Yet for me, it caused me to question myself. To bring up insecurities I had previously tackled. It brought on anxiety in a way I had never experienced. In doing so much for everyone, I was afraid to ask for help or support within my own needs. And when people didn’t offer up time and support or give feedback for what I giving them, I took it as disappointment from them. My value was rapidly spiraling in my mind and more time was spent questioning if anything I was doing or any ideas I had really were…well, good.

I could typically laugh along the notion of being labeled the, “oddball” or the “free spirited” outside the box thinker. Yet for the last year I took it as a harsh criticism. Maybe these people were on to something that I wasn’t. After all, they are in leadership positions or have postured themselves as a friend. Since I had lost so much of myself in pursuing what I thought I needed to be, I questioned everything in the worst sense. I worked for others. I wasn’t trusting anything anyone would say. I quit receiving compliments. Any positive feedback was twisted into a form of criticism {ex": “Katie, you did such a great job coming in under the budget! Can you share with the team how you made that happen?” My brain heard: “Katie, one of your projects went over. That’s a real problem that needs corrected immediately!”}. I even found that when I wrote {my way of processing and sharing} I was focused on what I thought others wanted to hear, and not what I needed to say.

My life was no longer mine and it was scary as shit.

I always believe people lead with the best intention; yes, even the money-hungry, zero social awareness jerks that exist in the world. We may see differently, but for whatever reason, they are living through their truth. The key is to separate that from my truth. Life is a series of give and take. Sometimes it is more balanced than others, but sometimes one person needs more support than the other. Bottom line, if that balance never exists, you can walk away. I don’t feel ill will toward anyone ever, and I will always care. But sometimes it is best to walk away.

Out of a quarantine came my voice.

We were all forced to take a hard stop on life. My husband and I were fortunate to have jobs and be able to continue working, but every other aspect of life changed. It was HARD. I had several breakdowns. I reached out for help.

After talking to my husband, my doctor, a therapist, and finding solutions best fit for me…I am standing again. To some, I was never down and I feel a bit of guilt over that. I cannot beat myself up, but I am going to do a better job of balancing my “Pollyanna” optimistic outlook with speaking out about the real life hurdles thrown along the way and how I found my way out of the storm. We all have them, they just look different. Life for all of us will continue to be up and down, but that is absolutely without a doubt okay. Anxiety is there to help us gauge situations. That is healthy, productive anxiety. And there are people and tools out there to help us when the water gets too deep.

Am I perfectly sane now that I sought help? HAHAHA! Will any of us ever be? No. But I have learned strategies to help me cope with the shittastic days.

Example: the other week a friend and colleague said, “I noticed you seemed to be off lately".” And I cried. Right there, at work. Bawled my eyes out. It was the first time in years I felt okay saying I was not okay. I was lost with the work life balance as working parents with kids on a hybrid learning model and no childcare option for my son who was deemed too old for some options (at 11!!!), I had learned of the passing of a friend that was a huge part of my life from the time we were preschoolers, and we were navigating some family medical information that despite the optimistic outlook, was {and is} scary because of the unknown. I was not at all okay. It was helpful that someone had the courage to call me on it and I felt so lucky that it was with someone I could trust and open up to.

For so long I allowed myself to say, “oh, I’m fine! Just busy!” to even those closest to me. Did crying in that moment change the circumstance? Not immediately. But it allowed me to quit ignoring what I was again trying to hide in my heart and process everything I was holding in. In doing so much for others I was again starting to lose myself, but in one moment I snapped out of it and allowed myself to breathe. I reminded myself that it’s okay to not be okay.

In asking for help, I was able to breathe again.

We cannot continue to let ourselves lose touch with the present moment. Those moments, even the tough ones, are what guide us forward. When we don’t allow ourselves to acknowledge the present or address the burdens on our mind or heart we become stuck.

Quarantine brought me back to the present. It put everything in perspective. It brought to light the true priorities.

What matters in this life? For me

Be present to the beauty that exists.

• It’s my health {mental and physical} so I can be present for those I love and those that need love.

• It’s happiness in the most pure forms; what brings me true joy, not what I think other people would enjoy.

• It’s awareness, no longer of what other people need {other than my obvious peeps}, but what do I need? What is it that is going to heal my heart, keep me motivated, and fill my cup? Lately, it’s low stress workouts, little to no alcohol, eliminating the need to check in on people that don’t bring me closer to joy, and cutting out several social media platforms.

• It’s meaningful conversations. I struggle with superficial conversation. Don’t get me wrong, I do enjoy lighthearted banter, but I need to also find meaning. I am driven by curiosity and a desire to learn more and grow. Life became constant appeasement of nonsensical discussions and I wasn’t allowing myself the time or connecting with the people that would support a deeper discussion. They would be few and far between. This means no ill will to those that avoid the in-depth convo! Honestly, I have a lot to learn from you all and love the relaxed discussions. But it lead me away from learning and more toward appeasing. I missed the connections. I missed allowing myself to meet and be around people that held the same desire.

• It’s nature, where I can separate from the hustle, remind myself of how beautiful life is, that there is so much more to experience without being indebted to the energy suckers, and the need to impress any one with any nonsensical materialistic garbage. My heart is too soft for the toxicity that comes from people and situations that thrive in the need to impress with anything other than their mind. Will I still turn over my wardrobe, have racks of shoes, and enjoy the smell of luxury cars? Hell yea. But will I tune out the commentary about it? Yup.

Life has its ups and downs. It always will. When when we start to come up for air after an extended low period there is an abundance of growth that cannot be dismissed. Will some people feel uncomfortable when they realized the person they knew has changed? I am sure. But I am also confident that the ones worth sticking around will because they know and appreciate the authentic person that has arrived to the table.

Bottom line, be present. Be aware. Be you.

XO~

K